Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Be it Delhi-Mumbai or any other flight in our domestic circuit, i’m sure you all must have encountered funny and weird situations and people.

I’m listing few annoying things that people do in our domestic airline circuit and trust me, some of them are highly annoying.
1)Taking off your shoes.
We don’t need to smell your dirty socks, please keep your shoes on!

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2)Just letting everyone know that you’re coming by air not train!

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The loud people make sure they make that one final call and everyone listens to it, whether they want it or not!

3)The railway luggage people

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They have 2-3 bags checked in (paid for extra weight) and equally big bags as cabin baggage too! What are you carrying in these bags?

4)Passenger-with-a-Weak-Bladder
Remember that fat uncle who goes to washroom making your life difficult? It so happened with me that we were stuck badly and i had to move out to make way for that fat quarry.

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Thou shalt not listen to safety instructions!
I’ve seen flight attendants trying to shut up people for those five minutes when they brief everyone about safety instructions.

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The yoga girl, the praying guy! Well, people do that too covering the little space available there!

7)18-ways-you-re-driving-flight-attendants-insane

We have just taken off and “hey, i need water”. I will never understand why everyone needs everything at the same time.

8)Clicking pictures of flight attendants.

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I don’t know why, but you see, they just do it!

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A crying baby on your early morning flight and you may need a disprin.

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How about seats? You have minimal boot space and add to it if someone reclines theirs on to your lap!

Well I finally realized that it’s all about algorithms, the role algorithms play in our lives is important and crucial and hence understanding them is of utmost importance. Its as simple as that, if you don’t have an algorithm you’re screwed, dead, no future at all.
We at the future love and relationship centre believe in helping and algorithms come in handy. Our team of three have tried and tested these algorithms and fine tuned them with what you call as ‘optimization techniques’ to provide hundred percent success rate. I don’t know how my other two friends are going to react to this post, but yeah guys I believe in helping so be it, our friendship at stake. 😀
Alright without wasting any further time in self appreciation, I would like you to focus and concentrate on the algorithm part because it is dry without any reference to any flowchart or diagram.
We assume that you start stalking around (let’s call it for time being) from college.
Start
Step 1
Your eyes are your binoculars, make good use of them and find your targets (should be more than five for efficient results.
PS: Never and I repeat it, never look for target in your own class. [You don’t want to end up regretting at the end.]
Step 2
Information gathering
You’ve a narrowed search result consisting of only five girls. Whoa! Cheers to that.
Facebook them, follow them on twitter, and if you’re charming, liar and sophisticated make friends with them [All of them, I repeat ‘ALL OF THEM’]
Nb : It is very important to be friends with all of them, we can’t ignore the detail part of the information gathering process. Inadequate information gives no result, isn’t it?
Step 3
I always thought quotations [Love and relationship], inspirational, positivity, were nothing but crap, I haven’t changed and hence single till date, infact I’m the only one who is single among us three. Isn’t it guys?
Follow every quotation, every facebook page that reads ‘Gyaan’ [Utter crap], every twitter bot that is as ugly as shit and yes don’t forget to neighbor those five girls in ‘Cityville’. I’m sorry but you will have to play these for love sake. I know it sounds gay but deal with it or stop reading this post. Remember to throw an occasional sheep or hen in ‘riya’s’ yard and borrow some eggs [hen eggs] from priya in Farmville. Make sure you send them flowers every morning using those Korean applications on web. E cards are a strict no.
Change your home page to the network that they follow the most. Be online 24/7, deal with it! Love is not easy. Change your profile pic to ‘Justin beiber’ or some other gay kind cartoon holding heart in hand or with a beautiful quotation. This works!!
Now that you’re one of those fellows who rarely misses to comment/like or share their (5 girls) posts, I assume you have gathered some information about them.
Ok, I know this is bit disappointing but this is the ultimate truth, three out of those five have fallen for their best friends from school!! I hate guys who use school as base for war, spineless creatures. I know it hurts, but hey look for the silver lining, you have to concentrate on two girls only. Lesser the better!!
Step 4
Just do it!!
Now that you’re real good friends with the two girls, I ASSUME YOU TO BE!!
Share your joys (lies) and sorrows (Moulded truths) with only ONE of the two girls and be very casual friend with the other one.
Now this other girl if she feels a thing about you, she will bitch about the other one you’re close to [pretending to be close].
Notice her behavior, online as well as offline. Online-She has decreased her facebook activity and most of her time is spent in searching for depressing profile picture or an ultra sad status update.
If these conditions prevail, you win!! Don’t act fool now, you’re almost there!
Step 5
Say ‘I LOVE YOU’ to the one you’re really pretending to be close. I know *Face palmed*!! Don’t worry, this is what algorithm wanted as result, you’re doing just fine.
‘I love you’ doesn’t always mean a bollywood ending, for some girls it’s just a sign of staying away from guy who uses this. 😀
Step 6
Go home and tell your only girl to change her profile picture to the photo which you two clicked together. Update your relationship status and its all done, she is yours now.
Start liking all her ‘How love wins?!’ posts. And don’t forget to block the other four girls. 😀

Algorithm to buy a gift. :D

Posted: November 15, 2011 in Humor
Tags: , , , , ,

Nb : This post is purely for humor purposes with no references to anyone who has invited me for dinner till date and well, after reading this I am pretty sure no one will ever make the mistake again!!!

“A dinner invitation once accepted is a sacred obligation”__—___ some wise person!!!

Anything that breaks monotony is always welcome in an engineer’s life and if you talk about breaking the jinx of self made food then this call for dinner invitation was the best thing that happened to me in last few days!!! I was really sick of self made, rather under prepared food and mostly rely on junk and you know what repeating junk for 7 days a week, three times a day actually means!!!!:( I love festive season for an ‘odd invite’ that it brings along for ‘d bachelor’!!!

“please do come, awryt”, my uncle just called me to confirm that I was not disappointing them big time like I did every time by missing almost all of the family gatherings and dinners and everything else that is reffered to as socializing according to my parents and few close friends!!

I maintained a ‘not so desperate profile’ and believe me it is the hardest thing to do when every digestive juice of yours is crying inside for something that actually tastes good, hence my tongue betrayed my ‘fake’ self and I confirmed the acceptance of dinner invitation!!!

And there I was knocking on the door after an hour or so after the call. Desperation and excitement make you do silly things, and this is what exactly I did, I preferred knocking on the door when an electric door bell was installed on the gate, to be really honest I did not notice it!!. It took them 5 minutes to notice that a creature was struggling with the gate and my uncle finally opened the door and hugged me, he pointed me to walk upto the house and checked the door bell to see if it was out of order or his ‘little boy’ was crazy!!

Fortunately he has never mentioned the line that has the power to embarrass me in every possible corner where I have little respect, the line, “beta door bell was working, why did not you use it??”

The only thing that was on my mind was good food and this sure was not on my uncle and aunty’s mind. Night actually becomes a nightmare when you are thought to be very wise and thoughtful person and I had to live it all from the moment I entered the room, and believe me living wise when you actually aren’t that wise demands a skillful way of lying and cheating!!! (fact)!! Soon aunty ji pointed to tv and said, “This modern generation!! Ah look at them, is this music??”

Both of them looked at me for an answer that would establish that they were right in blaming the generation next for everything that they showed up on tv!!

Believe me, if not for that dinner, I would have never lied! Ah selfish me!! “This is really indecent uncle”, I replied and changed the tv channel to some news channel to kill the root cause of talks like this!!!

On dining table finally!!!!

I prided myself when I finally got on to that dinner chair, there were three chairs around the table, meant for all three sophisticated people who talk sense before dinner and make their guests wait like anything!! I believe people actually make you wait for the dinner because it serves them two things, first since you have waited for so long it is unlikely that you will waste the food. Secondly, pre dinner and post dinner conversations actually have a little history, history of love, history of times when people invited relatives and friends not just to dine with them but be with them, I mean everyone has his own square meal no?, why to invite someone to come and eat your pockets away!!! Pure love which has turned to nothing more than a formality!!!

Anyways I had waited really long to get on this chair which I valued like a chief minister values his political chair!!! I do not remember clearly but I discussed politics, religion, society and cousins along with all other things which had no relevance either with me or my hosts, like for example I tried explaining them the concept of “routing” and congestion when he asked about some layman electronic thing!!! Thus to say I actually earned my dinner after wise talks of two hours. I wish I had the recordings of all the ‘wise talking’ I did I could have easily made it to the higher levels of ministry of divinity!!!

Ah!! Finally dinner arrived, uncle and aunty made every possible effort to make my plate look like well decorated and full 200rs hotel trademark dinner plate!! I saw love and care when they were flooding my plate with everything they had prepared, I never wanted to get carried away by emotions and in order to help myself I started lying about the doctors who once had advised me to stay away from oily food and fish!! “amazing!! It always helps!!!”

I had one of the best dinner’s of my life!!!

I hope people keep me inviting!!!

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Do not waste food.

Do not accept dinner invitations if you cant talk good!!

Keep decency at home if you really want to enjoy food!!!!

 

via Life unfolded..

Where the hell is the ‘Sandman’?!Where the hell is ‘Sandman’!?All that I read and heard about ‘Sandman’ was crap and nonsense?! Was it? Oh No, how is it that I see so many people sleeping and snorting till 9am in morning then? Sandman must be coming after 3am so let me hang on till then and then starts a phase, I am presenting it in detail here.Oh, so what do I do now, Ok let me just stare at that fan above, No I did that last night, ok let me think of something depressing 5 minutes into it its not what I should be doing I find it funny thinking how my girl will ditch me for that insurance guy.Looks at watchAlright so I am half way into it, I have turned my sides so many times that every muscle is begging me to be still.Looks at cellphoneThis crap thing never rings when i need it the most, Why is it that even after activating ‘DO NOT DISTURB’ service, I still find ‘Buy this and get this’ messages on top in my cell phone’s inbox. Nevertheless I spent five minutes deleting them and thinking how can I screw these guys for very poor marketing strategies. :DGets Up For WaterFine then, 2am and I enter the kitchen to moisten my throat, I find it really lazy to switch on the lights because I am well familiar with the geography and the way things are positioned and in spite of this I stumble against the dustbin I thought never existed.2:11AMI am down on floor rubbing my knee in dark with trash scattered all around me.Comes to sensesI switch on the lights and start preparing coffee.2:33AMAnd I am on terrace with a cup of coffee in my hands and looking at streets down. All I can hear is the sound of Air cooling systems and an occasional bark. Do not give me the Night’s silence Crap, there is never a a perfectly silent night in a city2:54amBack in my room, switching on lights may scare the hell out of Sandman so I sit silently on my couch and tap my hand on the table. DAAAASH Flower Vase falls down and I the first thing I think is “Oh it was the only thing she gave me”! Can you imagine how broken it feels? No you can’t, because you have never felt it. I don’t switch on the lights because I don’t want to scare the SANDMAN. Where is the Fing Sandman??!3:17amPutting my steps lightly and almost walking on toes I reach my bed, Holy Crap, feels like having won a gold at olympics. Looks at watch There is nothing Like Sandman, everyone has been lying to me.Switches on LaptopWrites his plight!!Never Say ‘Good Night’ again!!There is no Sandman!! :

via Life Engineered!!.